Where Do I really belong?

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This really is not a question I am new to asking myself. I remember when I was probably roughly 27 or so, I was at somewhat of a fork in the road. Was I going to continue the night job or move on and transition into a day job? That was big for me because bartending was such a part of me and what I did on a day to day basis. It became apart of my personality, my jokes and the way I had my routine. Everything revolved around being a bartender and what that took. It was not just going to work, clock in and say goodbye. No. See, in the bar scene when you want to work and make that type of money. You gotta hustle. Word of mouth, make friends, go out all the time, and gab to everyone about where you pour and the location of the party. Handing out flyers for events when you had some big thing happening or specials on drinks. I mean the list goes on. Let alone one point in my life I was working the bar for “Country Night.” The owner’s vision was the coyote ugly type stuff, where he would want all the girls to get up on the bar and dance to certain songs. Well, because I was one of the girls behind the bar I had too. It didn’t last long I cant tell you that. Which is probably why I lost shifts? Anyways my point being is that I allowed bartending to become who I was, what I did and how I did everything. Because I thought well, what else will I put my all into. When we know there probably was a list of other options I could have chosen from. But, the money was massive, consistent and I was good. That is one thing I can admit to. I got really good at bottle pouring, being creative with beverages and having that perfect attitude behind the bar that got me the big bucks. We know in the end that is what it’s all about. If you say, “No man, it’s about the party and the friend.” You are so full of shit and I do not believe you. Parties come and Go non stop. Money Flow is what keeps that going. Don’t forget that.

Well here I am

32 years young and as you know I have a magnificent little girl. She is one and half years old and full of spit and vinegar. Including some serious dashes of sass. I was sitting here the other day, or more like months ago. Thinking about what I just told you about the bartending and how I allowed it to consume me and become who I was. Well, I am absolutely guilty of doing it again. I sit here as a mom and a wife, thinking to myself day in and day out that is what I am. Right? I mean I know there are all the things in between, but mostly I am Mom and Wife. At least that is what my brain goes to every single day. Isn’t it crazy what we can adjust to as humans and adapt to what is okay and what is not?

What I am getting at is this, I am a past Bartender. I am also a Wife, a Mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend and someone that can offer one more thing. Me. The one title that we forget about in the mix of giving to others. We become those titles, we allow them to guide our choices, our thoughts, and our actions. What happened to not making a choice based on what mom will think, or how your sibling will react. Perhaps the nieces around that look up to their super cool aunt. I get it! I really do, but we are important too. The “Me” should be on the list of who you are. Who I am. You see?

I have recently come to realize

that all of those titles hold extreme value to me, all on different platforms and types of love. The one thing I am working towards is filtering my thoughts and what I like to call washing my brain. It’s so important that the list I place titles, which I carry around. The “Me” title is first. Because in the end, we have got to start giving Self Love. If we don’t have or give ourselves the Love we need, we can not FULLY be happy. Love fuels the soul my friends, it feeds the heart. Just remember that next time you go to do a load of laundry, ask yourself if you are taken care of first. Because that load of laundry is going nowhere. Plus I promise you’ll feel better doing it after you’ve either eaten, drank some sort of fluids, maybe a shower, or perhaps even do your hair and makeup.

I feel happy knowing that I have recognized that I need to start making choices for Me. Not that I won’t still be modest about everything on a normal. But that I find the REAL time to give myself and not feel scared to make choices for me. Not be scared of the consequence because at least I made the choice for ME! I mean honestly, it has been so long I can’t even remember what it feels like to not feel bad about doing something for myself. I mean that in sort of a lackadaisical way. But I guess long story short, as I sit here and sorta giggle. I used to make choices based on what mask or hat I was wearing at that moment. Most times I don’t even need to be wearing whatever mask or hat. I usually am putting more on my plate than I even need to. Only because I care, or want to help in some way. So yeah, I put extras on my plate, but is that so bad? I just need to learn to separate each one properly, ya know? What I do know is this, I know that I love my husband, I am head over heels for my daughter, and my mom is basically my best friend other than my husband. I have many important people I love and cherish so much that I can not even explain into words. But I know that I am important and that I need to be on the list of important.

Because, I belong exactly where I am. That is my realization.

This is where the good Lord wants me, for some reason he placed me right here. Sitting in this hand-made stool that I refurbished with cushion and fabric. The laptop is on my eat-in and I am watching my sweet girl nap on the monitor. Life is beautiful and I feel grateful I know where I belong. Now to work thru filtering my thoughts and washing my brain to keep “ME” at the top of the list. That includes MY relationship with the lord. Since its MINE that falls into the category of Me. He is on the top of my list, so We share spaces a bit. So, I am going to continue working on growth, working towards goals, and relishing feeling proud of myself. Recognizing the problem is the first step to solution. Here I go…

Thank you for reading my friends. If you can relate to this in any way at all, please comment below on your similarities and how you work or worked thru them.