What will I do?
When I was six years old I was absolutely certain I was going to be a professional Dirt bike racer. It was all my heart would pitter patter for. The endless revving, the body armor that made me feel like a superhero, the effortless adventure and of course ALL the mud and dirt! When I turned 12 my direction shifted and I decided I wanted to be a model. As long as it involved me in front of a camera I was all for it. Honestly, I stuck that dream out for a long time. Probably until I was about 20 years old and building my portfolio was so fun! However, with behind the scenes of modeling is not all glitz and glam. At least not for me it was not. Surely with some big crew and if I had become some big deal, I am sure that would have changed.
So, I turned 21 and from there on out it was about partying and bartending that late nights. Creating memories with friends and people I thought were friends. Always a mixture of the both. At that point in my life until I was about twenty-five there really was no direction for me or plan. I was winging it and falling into debt quickly with a careless attitude and double fisting my drinks.
When I turned twenty-six I really starting questioning things along the lines of what I was doing with my life. Where I was headed since at that point I was only a short 4 years from being thirty. This truly started to scare me and create a conversation with Ryan about the topic. Neither of us had a plan or any idea what in the world we were doing.
One thing about me is that I have always been a person that wanted to be her own boss. I wanted to do my own thing. In 2009 I started a candle business and a hair clip business. I started sewing and thought maybe if I handcraft items I could start there and sell home décor or custom clothes. Ha! In 2012 Ryan and I started a Business with Amway and World Wide company under my encouragement of course. Ryan was so far from this personality type but, he went for it with me and we did that for about four years on and off.
During these times of Randoms and not knowing the direction of what the hell I or we are even doing. 2016 gave us a little human and we stopped caring for a moment what we were so worried about. That did not last. Ha!
Where am I now?
Somewhere in between holding it all together and dropping all the china at the same time. Pretty contradicting yeah? Well, that is how I feel and its the best description off the head I can muster up.
About six months after Gracie was born a lot of things came up and we basically we’re back to trying to blueprint our future. Even tho, we know we should have handled this prior to a baby. We can’t win all the battles and once I realized that I think my acceptance altered. What was okay with me and what wasn’t.
For instance, Ryan became much more concerned with money while I am more concerned about when she is old enough to see me and watch. That inside I was panicking because I literally have no example to show her what hard work is or fighting for your dreams. Ya know? So our thought process between Ryan and I were different yet still the same. Of course, I don’t want us worried about money and he doesn’t want me to feel like I don’t contribute. But the fact is, money is tough in this day in age and setting examples is important. Of course, they vary from family to family. But for me personally, fighting for my dreams and making my goals happen. Showing her that and her seeing her mommy fight hard for what I want and to battle against all wall barriers. I want her to truly see me do big things so she can have a foundation to use and see with action that dreams and goals backed up with consistent work can happen!
Being thirty-three and Ryan is thirty-eight we are in a spot where we think about our future considerably a lot. Me being a stay at home mom with no income and Ryan being the sole provider is a lot of stress and weight on his shoulders. He proudly does it and is very grateful for his job and the opportunity we even have that I can be home with Gracie. However, I want more. I want to contribute more than just my time and energy with being a mommy and a wife. Truly I just want success in space for my personal life. I want recognition for hard work in a space that is constantly changing and altering.
I want to supply a way of life financially so Ryan can come home and be with us. I would Love for him and me to work together like we did the first 5 years as a couple. I dream of both of us being home with Gracie yet still being able to have an income that provides a true lifestyle. Is it possible? Yes! Is it hard work? Even more YES! But, if you haven’t read it before in my posts you can read it now, “I can work with possible!” Which is exactly what brings me to my conclusion.
Where I am going?
To the moon! Ha! Just kidding, even tho that would be so sick. I want to share with you that being 33 and truly feeling like I have jumped off a mountain that I can not see the bottom to is scary. But jumping in the ocean for the first time is scary too but, you have got to swim in the ocean and try it at least once. I also believe that if you haven’t tried it, you’ll never know!
If one year ago I didn’t experience the anxiety and some depression I did. The blog I started on a free platform would never have begun. You guys it was so awful but, I did it and even tho it was super scary to even put myself out there. I still did it. After the first post, I felt so liberated and empowered. The lift from sharing some of my life was like taking a fourth of a brick off my shoulders and a weighted rock off my chest.
I had become too introverted into my home that a common conversation really didn’t exist for me. When in reality having a simple hello with someone is normal. But, since I didn’t go out much and was too anxious to even go out alone with Gracie during the days I felt so isolated and alone. I was overweight and incredibly unhappy with the living situation we were in.
Slowly after time, I was coming out of my shell and really seeing light again. I was losing weight and becoming me again. Smiling more in a genuine way, enjoying myself and sound silly but, getting ready for my day. Yes, writing did this for me. Even tho no one really read my posts and when they did it really was not true feedback. Which also leads me to believe they probably didn’t really read the whole thing. Then, it really bothered me but, now it just sorta hurts my feelings. That is progress for me and I like positive progress.
So, If you were to ask me what I want to do or where I am going with my path. I would have to say I am a writer, a podcaster and someone who is aspiring to create. What will I create? Well, I even ask myself this almost daily. Being creative is something you must have if you want to write in my opinion. Something inside of me tells me, “Create.” That word just swirls in my brain along with “Encourage.” So I have narrowed down those two things or words I should say that literally will not leave my brain.
I LOVE creating. With the tools and the proper space, I can create magic! Encouraging people is something that makes me thrive inside! I feel good when I make others feel good. But it is not like a regular feeling when you compliment someone and know you made them smile.
Encouraging someone makes me feel ALIVE! I feel inspired and encouraged myself to keep going and keep being positive. Affirming people in their goals and dreams is seriously where I truly believe my heart soars. Where that space is for me or how I will get there I have NO IDEA. But, I feel like when we are trying to narrow down our path and what we want to do. Narrowing down just a couple of words for me is how I discovered what I should focus on.
I have no idea if this is method or way of discovery but, I do know that once I figured that out my perspective on where my energy goes, changed.
Perhaps if you are struggling with trying to find your way or your passion and literally just can not narrow it down. This exercise could be helpful for you. Once you accomplish figuring out those two to three or heck maybe just one thing/word that you can not kick out of your brain. Do not ignore it! Give it attention and thought. Sometimes nurturing the things we never thought are important end up being our biggest attribute.
Don’t give up!