Dealing with Loss. As a Stay At Home Mom

Unfortunately, loss happens. It’s apart of life. However, that does not make it any easier. At all.

Being a Full-Time Stay at home Mom has its benefits. But, it also has its fair share of, well things that don’ benefit. Let me explain why I am saying this, or where I am even going.

When I was 11 years old I attended a Middle school here in Spokane. I was one of the girls that would rather hang with the guys. Mostly because I didn’t do well with drama. We all know, young girls basically have that word tattooed on their forehead. As if they enjoyed it. Well, I just didn’t fit in that box. So I made a few girlfriends who shared those similarities with me. If you ask me, they are a couple of the best friends I have ever had. Still to this day they are active in my life. What a blessing.

I ended up meeting a couple of guys at the age 11 as well. Who played sports. They were pretty large guys for their age. Which made me feel safe. Plus, they never made moves or flirted with me. Ha! So as the years went on, those girls and those two guys became my closest friends. My ride or die is what I would call them now. No matter the distance, no matter the time we don’t talk the love never faded for one another. It stays strong, So I’m assuming you’re grasping the point, we were VERY close. Growing up together as children, sharing those experiences thru all the years. So bonding. Plus too stay friends and stay in touch, that’s just special. Maybe not as much as I know we all would like, but we hope to change that.

See one of those guys that I ever so loved, and cherished. He went home to the Lord just under one week ago. This news has been nothing other than devastating. I am shattered. I am just going to throw this out there, I apologize for all the bouncing around. If that happens. I am just so scatterbrained, but yet want to share my heart and thoughts. This guy, the man that was recently taken back home and away from all of us here on earth. He was an angel. He was a protector. A brave soldier of the US Army. A loyal friend. Someone I KNEW if I ever needed anything, he would drop everything and be there. No questions. He was the guy that would literally take his entire outfit off and give it away to someone in need. No matter his sadness, he made you smile. No matter how dark the room was, he brightened it up with his goofy self. You will be so very missed my friend. My brother. Blood would not make us any closer in bond.

See, I am making this post not only to share what I am going thru currently. Share my up and downs. Experiences. But staying at home all day with my little one. It’s tough. I feel incredibly sad when I instantly wake up. I have this dark cloud hanging over me, and I am not quite sure how to outsmart this one. How to overcome it. I have never encountered is SO sad. He was one person in my life, I CHERISHED. He may not have believed it. But I did. I always will. Its so hard being on point as a mom when you are feeling so low. So sad. You don’t want to project that onto your child. You want them to stay feeling happy, and joyous. I don’t want to taint her with my hurt. I know once she is older it won’t be avoidable. But for now, Is it wrong of me to want to shelter her from that? I feel like the red eyes, puffy face, and the somber walk is showing. She is seeing me, and I don’t like it. I just want to wake up, feel strong. Feel less weight on my chest. Breath easy. I know that time heals and that things will progress in which I allow. I am just sad. Trying to push thru, and deliver happiness and smiles to my daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be around such sadness. I just am not quite sure how to find my balance with that. However I am no quitter, and I will not allow sadness to overrule my daily life. I know He would want me smiling and dancing around like the spaz that I am. So, that is my end goal. Find my smile, share it, tell stories of him, laugh, and try and remind myself every day that if not for me, if not for him, for my family. Because……

In time… It will get easier. A Stay at home mom just trying to heal.

Here I Am.

So, here I am. 32 years young and writing about this. See, it all started the day I found out I was pregnant. I tell you what, I was never a tense, worry wart type of individual. But, once you know you are about to have another life to take care of, mindset changes. I promise. Let me assure you tho, it is all for a valid purpose and a good cause. It just, well, is a lot for someone like me to take in. When before, life was a bit more careless and free. Don’t misunderstand tho. I wanted to get pregnant. We tried for 8 months before we actually got the sticky bean. But, when that worry hits you, It’s like a real ton of bricks. I just wanted everything to work out in every way that would benefit our little baby. I mean, I was working as a private nanny and had no degree in anything. There were points in my time being pregnant I was so downright sad. Because I would question what I could bring to the table for our baby. As in, what can or will I teach her? Ya know? How can I tell her too go to college, or think about their future? When I didn’t. I just had these feelings that were so deep, and I had never felt what I was feeling before. I didn’t know who to ask, where to go, or what to even do. So, I stayed a nanny for almost my full term of pregnancy. Three months before I gave birth to our daughter, I no longer was working. When I stopped working, my mindset became devoted to being a mother. I felt like, now that I am no longer a nanny. I am now a mother. That is my devoted job. The job I always wanted. Being a mother is the best title in the world to me. I just felt, so full. I have now been raising Gracie for 1.5 years of her life. She is absolutely amazing! I feel incredibly blessed to be able to raise her. However, about 6-9 months ago in particular. I have become much more aware of myself lately. What I mean by that is, that I have been paying attention to my own self lately. How I am being. How I react. My attitude. Things along those lines. I have found that some of the things in my life have gone more downhill, than up. I don’t like this. However, like I said, I am more aware. So this is a good thing. I have come to realize over this last 6-9 months with the thoughts that have been going on in my head. I have come to the conclusion, I am wanting more. Not just for myself personally either. But, to be able to offer more to my family, friends, and people I care about. I am at the point in my life that I have become too comfortable with being a mom and a wife, full time, and giving no more effort to anything. That was never an intention. I know I am sort of bouncing around, try and stay with me. I promise the content is all good stuff. So, I basically have come to realize, I am not happy JUST BEING a mom, and a wife. I need to be Ashley. I am not just the one that wipes a bottom all day, slaves away for an 18-month-old human, cleans baby hands with baby wipes 1000x’s a day, gives 5 million kisses, cleans up toys, and all the other tons of things I as a mom and wife accomplish on a daily. I am NOT complaining. This is not that. I am simply getting to the point, that I want more than that. I want to invest that type of time and energy into something for myself. To feel proud. To feel like I’m giving back. To feel like I am contributing to my family in any source I can. If that makes any type of sense? So, here I am. Blogging. Thinking, well, hoping, you all find me or my life interesting enough. I cant do any of what I am attempting without viewers/readers, and people that support me and my dreams. I can do the work. I just need my support group. Will you be that? Help me accomplish my hopes and dreams of bringing moms together. Creating this safe place for them? For us. Because in the end, that is what I am working towards. That’s my dream. And, to be really honest, I have no idea what that looks like, or what road I am about to take or pave too take. But, I have a vision, and I feel like that, mixed with passion. I can accomplish what I’m striving for.